What? UK Pub Post Rules Customers Should Abide To This Season

The festive season is here when families and friends would love to hang out and spend quality time together... This yuletide is a season when entertainment, restaurant, bars and clubs are filled with customers of all shades (good & bad) and entertainment spot centres sometimes find it difficult to handle huge patronages they get during this season, especially when confronted with difficult, drunk or over-excited (usually feeling of the season) customers.

Due to the fear of potential challenges, Stoke Inn a pub in Plymouth UK have posted rules governing customers conduct throughout this festive season... 

Check out the rules and will you abide by these rules if you happen to find yourself at Stoke Inn?

DO NOT APPROACH THE BAR UNTIL YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT

* The bar is an intricate machine full of separate-yet-interconnecting cogs. It is NOT the place to think or choose or decide.

The engine only works if everyone knows their place and performs their function. Do you hear that collective groan as you ask the bartender if they've got cranberry juice?

Or as you turn around to ask Barbara what she wants to drink? That groan is you single-handedly sucking life away from your fellow drinkers.

Make a decision first, then go to the bar and order what you've selected. Just like ANY OTHER FORM OF COMMERCE!

DON'T START DRINKING AT 4pm

* You're NOT a drinker. We haven't seen you all year. You're an amateur, so don't start out with a marathon.

You can't just rock up to the Premier League one day saying 'I'm match fit, lads!' This is why you're puking and crying before nine o'clock at night.

YOU ARE IN A ROUND

* I don't care who you're with, how many of you there are or how well you know them. You are in a round with all the people you came in with. That's how it works.

You see those twenty-five loud, burly, drunken rugby players on the other side of the pub? They are a pleasure to serve compared to you.

They order eight pints of lager, eight pints of Guinness, six pints of bitter and three Jack Daniels, then they pay the bill in one fell swoop.

Your group orders ten drinks one-at-a-time and then pays for them all one-at-a-time as the rest of pub creeps closer to Death's eternal grasp waiting for you to finish, despite the fact nine of you are drinking the same drink and the last person, THE LAST PERSON, wants a Guinness putting on.

Every single person waiting to get served wants your group to die in a complicated house fire.

KNOW WHERE YOU ARE

* Look around you. What kind of drinking establishment are you in? Is it a pub or a bar? If there's 85 lads watching football on the telly, stop trying to be a drunk, flirty attention-w**** because it won't work.

If the walls are cluttered with offers of 6 shots of neon sourz for a fiver, don't try asking for that single malt whiskey you memorized from Mad Men.

Equally, if it's a pub adorned with wood furnishings and hand-pulls, stop trying to get the landlord to make that s***ty cocktail you saw on Sex And The City

HOT GIRLS GET SERVED FIRST

* Welcome to Western Civilization.

iPHONE ETTIQUETTE

* Okay, the music isn't great. It's nothing to write home about. But it's been specifically selected to offend the least amount of people. It's background music.

If you want anything else, then you want to be at a club or a gig. If, however, you've decided to 'do the pub a favour' by blaring out a playlist from your iPhone, then you are a t***. A prize, prize t***. Other expletives come to mind. Likewise don't get offended if the barman politely gives you a pound and rejects all six Abba songs you paid for.

ATTRACTING ATTENTION

* Newsflash: You are NOT next. You might have been in the bar queue longer than anybody else, but that doesn't mean you're next.

Do you know why? Because there are no 'Official Rules Of Queueing At The Bar.' The bartender is 100% in charge of who is next. So do not p*** them off.

Yes, they can see you. You do not need to bang your change on the top of the bar. You do not need to wave your money around in the air, as if you're the only person in the room with a tenner (unless it's a strip club).

You especially do not need to click your fingers like a Parisian cafe p**** or whistle like a shepherd herding his flock. These tactics will only achieve one outcome: no matter how long you've been waiting up until this point, you've just moved yourself to the back of the queue.

PREFERENTIAL TREATMENT

* If an old bloke sat at the bar gets served before you do, and the bartender knows him by name and even seems to know what he's drinking before he orders it - that's Bob. Bob drinks here all the time. Bob drinks here five times a week, every week. Bob's custom pays the bills.

Bob and the other Regulars keep the pub open eleven months of the year whilst you're having dinner parties and bulk-buying booze from the supermarket. Yes, they get preferential treatment. Accept it.

TIME IS TIME (sometimes)

* Pubs don't stop serving because they hate you (that's a lie, sometimes they do) or because it's funny or because they get bored of selling beer.

It's a legal requirement for them to stop serving at a designated time. Once Time is called, they are legally unable to sell anymore beer.

You cannot cajole them into selling more, because it's a legal requirement. You cannot bribe them into selling more, either with the promise of drinks or money, because it's a legal requirement.

You cannot reason or argue them into selling more, because it's a legal f***ing requirement. 'Who's gonna know? There's nobody around, I won't tell anyone.' THAT'S HOW THE HOLOCAUST STARTED! See you in twelve months.

Source: Daily Mail UK